_Slut

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 15:19:34 GMT

its amazing how you only find the time to drop a line when its upsetting to the mind instead of being in complete and whole happiness the world leavs you at the drop of a dime.

"I couldent sleep lastnight, i kept on rollin around in my bed and my face was indulged in the scent of your hoodie"

He is perfect.

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 21:36:13 GMT

yesterday was the best day of my life. well the best day this year anyway;) its all amazing and sephanie [ she dosnt get a "t" in her name.... :) ] loves how giddy i am.

god damn i hit my elbo on brick so hard... more like hitting/scraping/taking off skin motion... leave it up to me to be the clutz.

rj's penis is getting to far up his ass and i really could care less. look at this shit yo.

TinyCircusMidget (11:20:00 PM): well anyway im all colled down now not pissed but still a little hurt... and i wanna talk about some stuff if u would give me the chance?
TinyCircusMidget (11:22:34 PM): anyway just tell this Brian kid if he ever breaks ur heart ill break his neck
TinyCircusMidget (11:29:19 PM): and i am soo thankful for you posting our personal business in you lj i mean i want everyone in the world to know im fucked up right now, thanks for thta u bitch
vein exposure (11:38:52 PM): hah, you should see my other journal ass hole... and for your information im not a bitch, at least my friends dont think i am, i was trying to be nice but if your just gonna be an ass go stick your penis in the toaster and have fun frying.... yeah, well i hope that was bitchy enough for you.
:-) CAIO !!!
vein exposure (11:39:09 PM): Brian: dude, you know shes not a bitch
vein exposure (11:39:20 PM): now apoligize and get your dikc out of the toaster
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:20 PM): yeah ok i dont care
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:27 PM): and we are never going to be friends
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:46 PM): ever so i guess u lost me again not that u cared the first time anyway
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:54 PM): have fun being on the block list bitch
vein exposure (11:39:56 PM): EXCUSE ME????
TinyCircusMidget signed off at 11:39:57 PM.

To say the least i was pissed... just becuase he had the balls to call me a bitch... im only a bitch when i admit it. yes i can be a bitch but like i told him, this is my journal and i will write about whoever the fuck i want.

anyway....

"so, your cute when your mad...."

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 23:57:56 GMT

For those of you who havent added Pierced_eyes.... on your livejournal.... i thought y'all might like to see this boy. and he is ALLLL... [ Make it sound long ] ... mine:)

im the giddy one i know, but you definatly have to look at this one:)

*little school girl giggle*

This is brian

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 17:09:42 GMT

check out my new shit...

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 11:47:55 GMT

please excuse the inturption:

i was just puking my brains out.

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 03:28:03 GMT

TinyCircusMidget: trust me ashley i would give the world to let myself take you back but im sick of hurting u everytime i do it...
vein exposure: well truthfully i know this might sound odd, but i think i have more faith in you not to hurt me as much as you did... and i would take the chance of being hurt again
vein exposure: but thats just how i am.
TinyCircusMidget: well i know u would take the chance but im not ogign to do it again because i know i will its not that i might its that i WILL
TinyCircusMidget: dont knoew if that makes nay sense to you but
vein exposure: i still would... but thats me.
vein exposure: well... it does.
vein exposure: and it dosnt.
TinyCircusMidget: you have to know how i am though, i would never in my life try to hurt someone on purpose emotionally, i would never try to kill someone inside becuase its happened to me before and i know what its like, but sometimes when i get pissed or messed up in my head i do it and i feel like shit after it for a long time
vein exposure: *sigh
vein exposure: i never learn lol
TinyCircusMidget: it wasnt ur fault
vein exposure: well you may say that, and if thats how you think it, i feel like im giving everything i have to save nothing... and thats what tears me up becuase you didnt just get mad over nothing..
TinyCircusMidget: this is exactually what i didnt want to do so if we cant move onto somethign else we shoudl probably not talk for a little while...
vein exposure: ok no...
vein exposure: heh, sorry cant do that..
vein exposure: im fine right now.
TinyCircusMidget: ?
vein exposure: probably not talk for a little while...
TinyCircusMidget: allright because now i feel like shit again
vein exposure: im ok being able to at least talk to you.
vein exposure: dont.
TinyCircusMidget: hard not too
vein exposure: why?
vein exposure: its your decision.
TinyCircusMidget: well if u were me, re-read what u wrote, and try not to feel like shit
vein exposure: ill deal with it.
vein exposure: im sorry alot of the shit i say i say becuase i want everything to be ok so i should just shut up...

Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: Me away..

vein exposure: im sorry i make you feel like shit....

Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: Don't worry about R.J... He'll be ok, he always is. I love when my friends ignore my screams for help.... just leave me alone, you had your chance to try and make me feel better, and this IS NOT a cry for symapthy no matter how much it sounds like it

vein exposure: nothing i say makes anything better, im just gonna leave you alone... talk to me if you wish... i didnt want to make you feel like shit i just want you to know that im not dealing with this any easier than you are.
TinyCircusMidget signed off at 11:19:37 PM.

God im so sick of being made out to be the bad one here, im just so fucking sick of this shit, i know i should just let it go but i want there to be one last chance as much as i was hurting before.... i will NEVER learn...

*Jumps off bridge*

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 04:21:44 GMT

Well, this weekend has been hell and back...

Friday : Went to rj's all day and we hung out. Then we went to the fireworks in mt. clemens. [ mistake #1 ] we met up with steph, ryan, brendan, robyn, and beth. [ this is making me sick all over again ]. . . anyway. i had gone all day without a smoke so i was going though my withdrawls and i started to get bitchy and teary eyed. so he was like well, go have one i rather you smoke then be all upset over it. so i did. [ mistake #2 ] he was mad at me the rest of the night and would berly touch me. so i got mad naturally and didnt really wanna be around him. it was all over then we were standing on the street and robyn wanted to go to dennys... so i was like are you ok to let me go with them tonight? hes like yeah go... [ mistake #3 ] i said i love you and he said it back [ lie #1 for him - negitive 20 points on his side ] i felt like shit the rest of the night and when i got home i knew he was going to be pissed. i got on and talked to him [ the convo you all saw earlier ] and obviously from what you saw it upset me. the last thing i said - "im going to go do something that im going to regret more than this" well, he called me 3 times after that. he said to me i didnt call to get a guilt trip put on me i called to make sure you wouldent do anything stupid. well im hysterical and crying, whatever. and hes like are you going to do anything stupid? i said ya know you should know me better than that... hes like fine as long as your not and i dont get blamed for anything then this conversation is over, oh and expect me to come over around 1 to pick up my shit. he hung up and i almost died. i was crying so hard i got to a point where i was crying so hard i passed out [ literally ].

Saturday : I got up at 500 [ 3 hours of sleep ] and layed there knowing that he was comming over. 1 came, he called and said i wont be there till 130 and hung up. by this point i wasnt upset anymore i woke up in a pissed off mood becuase i got no sleep and becuase he said all the shit that he said to me. i was thinking about it and im like ya know, i have friends he should get that and not keep me from them or whatever. i spent all day with him and i dont see why he got so upset that i wanted to see my friends for an hour. hes got a girl infront of him that is completly in love with him and hes passing that up when he told me he loved me? heh, i was pissed. so he came over and walked in said can i have my shit. i said can we talk? i walked in my room got his hoodies and handed them to him. i quicky walked to the opposite side of the room becuase i was so mad i was just gonna hit him as hard as i could. he said what is there to talk about? i said well theres alot to talk about and i explained everything. hes like yeah well this is just the way its going to have to be now, i dont want to see you, talk to you, or anything. and he left. i was sooooooo pissed. i eventually got over it untill later on that night when don went off on me about something... i think the phone went dead and he told me i was usless becuase everything i touch i break. or something. i had been in a [ you push me and im going to fall over and cry ] mood. well i did. i told him to fuck off and i walked in my room, layed down, and cried my eyes out becuase i missed rj so much. my arm got attacked by a saftey pin and i wasnt even feeling it [ its healing now ]. my mom came in and said what the hells wrong with you? i said im upset ok cant you understand that. shes like well your boyfriend is pissed at you and he should be becuase hes right and your the wrong one. went off on her for a little bit. and i said can i just go to stephanies tonight? she told me to clean my room, so in tears i cleaned my room just to get out of the house. i drove to stephs and i was starting to feel better already knowing that i was going to at least spend the night with her. we sat up untill 5 in the morning doing god knows what i dont fucking remember... oh, 3-4 hours of mtv. bam and wild boys. i laughed so hard [ good - get my mind off things ] we finally got to sleep, i dont even remember passing out... but stephanie wanted to lick a peach.

Sunday : Woke up at 11, ate cerial, and painted. im curently working on spyro for her little brother i knew once he saw it he would want it so i just told him when i was done with it he can have it... i think all i have left to do is the wings and the background. people started showing up for her moms party [ and we watched this haunted night club thing for the 79th time ] and she started making margaritas and sangrea slurpee things. hah, well i had a few of those and i was quite off to myself in la la land. i called my mom and told her i was going to stay the night again becuase well, i wanted to. it was the 4th, why not? Steph called and wated to know if we wanted to go to erikas. i was all cool with that after 2 hours of trying to make a decision. we get there, realize we dont have our suits, go back to stephs, have more margaritas and whatnot... then back to erikas to swim. at first i was the only fucking one who would get in becuase steph, steph, ryan, kevin, and kam are being pussys... so im like freezing my tits off all by myself... so steph gets in 1/2 way then erika ruins all the fun she runs outside and plunges in the pool like she could care less... after that was all over i was chillin talkin to steph and kam, then ben walks in and says 3, theres 3, so watch out... we were all confused and he said, oh including me... so then kevin gerds and jeremy walk in. it was all clear then. kevin sees me and gives me a hug and kisses me on the neck, im like whoa wait a minuet.... so i blew it off. me and steph just decide to go under and i screamed it was so cold. i was hoping that erikas friend ryan was going to come becuase hes like a teddy bear cute kid. well he did come and me and steph got into a dispute becuase she likes him too... long story short i was pissed but im not going to fight over a guy with one of my friends, i would just expect her to have more respect if i liked someone that she wouldent make out with him in a trailor. [ fuck im bleeding ] just like i wouldent do something like that to her, but no she was ruthless. this is all after i almost killed 8 people with a firework. hahah, it was funny. erika got tired and shes like ok everyone out of my house... so we left and went back to stephs. her mom was still outside partying and whatnot [ with dennis - everyone got so trashed they left and left there dishes there . . . ] it was me, steph, steph, ryan, kevin, jeremy, and ryan. ryan was talkin to me outside most of the time becuase i was getting more margaritas and boozin myself up. i dont remember i had like 2 1/2 and i mean i was gone. everyone left becuase it was 230. and i was still upset about the steph thing. but i really dont care, i mean i do, but i dont at the same time, hes 20 and smokes... she dosnt like smokers and according to erika he dosnt like prude girls... so i dont know. whatever. me and steph cleaned up [ well she did i was looking for asprin and didnt end up taking it becuase i didnt wanna like kill myself ] then i was like steph, i gotta go to bed... im so gone, i need sleep. so at 3 i grabbed a pillow and a blanket, crawled on the coutch and dont even remember passing out... i do remember trying to find the tv remote to turn it down, then i went up to the tv looking for the button for volume... i found it about 5 min. later and i passed out.

Monday : Woke up today with a hangover [ i know im a lightweight ] and took some asprin. watcher her mom clean the kitchen and she was getting all flustered. so me and steph went over to hoeys to let out chip and we played fooseball. haha, dude the table was uneven and my little red corner man broke in 1/2. i was so upset i wanted to throw his body. haha. went back and jumpped online. i was goin though my journal and rj im'ed me and said go check your email and then signed off... well i got this...

SUBJECT : Please just read it...
Ashley I just have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I was acting
like a child before like you said, and I'm sorry. I just, I guess i was
looking for a reason to break it off because I'm sorry to say it, but I wasn't
really that happy when we were dating. Even though it may not seem like
it I do miss you, and I wish i could make myself take you back, but I just
can't. I hope that we can still be friends, even though I have treated you
like shit the past couple of days. I just don't know if I can talk to you on
AIM or in person yet because I am still kinda in a weird mood. If you don't
reply to this I'll understand, but I just needed to say this to you.

Your idiot ex-boyfriend,
R.J.

This was my reply...

SUBJECT : RE: Please just read it...
rj,
hey... well, i dont know how to respond to this. i would like to try to pretend im still mad... but i was never mad. i was so upset that i intentionally hurt myself. which i have never done. honestly it got alot out of me to get over the pain that i was in. i didnt know that you were so unhappy with me. i wish you would have just told me before i got so attached. i really do. but when you said you loved me its not like i wasnt going to belive it becuase i did. i trusted you and it felt like you put me through hell becuase i loved you. i hope we can be friends... i really do. i dont mean to make you feel like shit i just wish you wouldhave told me earlier before... *sigh* i was really hurt.
i dont mind if you dont talk to me, its fine. i came over to stephs for the past few days to get my mind off of you becuase being at home was doing no good with my mom telling me it was my fault and making me feel worse than i already did. maybe for now writing will be fine for you. anyway, im going home soon so ... later.

-Ashley

Then when i got home [ after almost getting killed by stephanies awsome driving skills of running into the van!! ] he im'ed me and started talking to me, like nothing happend and said that we needed to talk. he opologized for everything and said that he said all this shit to me becuase he wanted to hurt me intentionally and make me upset but he didnt realize how much it did hurt me and that he was an asshole and he felt like shit. well naturally i said, yeah you were and it really fucking hurt me. he said i would like to take you back now and hold you in my arms and make everything better, when i said that i wasnt happy it wasnt all the time it was just the times that i hurt you. im not going to go out with anyone ever again becuase i dont want to hurt them like i hurt you. natually im in tears because i want back what i had. but i know its not going to happen. so i cant talk to him for a while becuase we both need to get over the fact that we do love eachother but he cant stop hurting me. or anyone in that fact. its like his nature or something. my mom got home at 830 trashed so we never did do anything becuase it was too late [ its her birthday ] they all passed out and im sitting here alone.

Good news though: My parents are going out of town on the 17th for a week, so im gonna be in blissfield. not the town just a frame of mind.

Im done.

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 08:28:44 GMT

This is new:

http://www.livejournal.com/~pierced_eyes/

add me if you wish but its just going to be a bullshit journal for now.

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 01:48:48 GMT

trying to get my arm to stop bleeding,
trying to stop crying...
im trying to forget,
but it hurts so bad.

i have never been in so much pain before in my life.
there is no god getting me though this.
there is no us.
all that i have is this bandana wrapped around my bleeding arm.

God i hate myself.

i fucked up so bad... nothing is going to change.
i hurt so bad.
my heart.

i just want to die.
this is so bad.
oh my god.
i cant breath.

im not even lying, im histerical...
i have never been in so much pain.
oh my god.
someone help me.

"you and your boyfriend had a falling out, thats not my problem."
well at least you could help me out here...
"no, hes right your wrong"
god damn i hate you, his parents hate me you hate me, he mideswell be your kid and not me...

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 17:37:36 GMT

7/2/04 - If you don't trust what someone is doing, keep a close watch but don't confront the situation just yet. Consider what you must do in order to secure your position.

7/3/04 - Not everything will be clear today. Hold off on any plans or decisions until you have a better grasp of the situation. Someone is obviously not telling you everything you need to know.

7/4/04 - Your emotions may lead you in the wrong direction today. You will overreact to comments made. Don't end up in a fruitless argument. Take time out to reflect.

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 16:41:32 GMT

im making some changes... for myself.

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 04:08:48 GMT

vein exposure: come back please....

Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: Me away..

TinyCircusMidget: what?
vein exposure: i really need to talk...
vein exposure: i know your mad, and i am so so so sorry... i can not even explain in words how low i feel right now.
TinyCircusMidget: ok tyhis time its not goona work ashley, im pissed off a hell of a lot. you say u love me and then when u said "did i want to go to dennys?" i could tell that u were ready to leave that instant and go without me
TinyCircusMidget: tomorrow i want to come over your house, pick up BOTH of my hoodies, my t-shirt, and my shorts and leave without syaing a word
TinyCircusMidget: is that goign to be possible?
vein exposure: please dont do this...
TinyCircusMidget: im sorry but i now realize that your not goign to change, you will ALWAYS put your friends before me, no matter what
vein exposure: its not that...
vein exposure: i dont always
TinyCircusMidget: too me it seems like you do and thats enoguh for me
vein exposure: look i got you back, and that was the best thing that couldhave happend to me and im trying to change myself for you.
TinyCircusMidget: Ashley your not ogign to change, it doens't matter what u tell me or how hard you try. Hell i asked you like 3 days ago to not do that shit with putting ur firends always before me ,and look what happen tonight
vein exposure: look, im sorry
vein exposure: i didnt do it just to piss you off.
vein exposure: i dont even know what to say...
TinyCircusMidget: yeah wlel guess what happened? i got pissed
TinyCircusMidget: and im sick of feeling like this
TinyCircusMidget: it seems ur very good at doing this to me
TinyCircusMidget: and i dont need that anymore
vein exposure: im sorry it was my mistake, blame it on me make me feel like shit
TinyCircusMidget: THE GILT TRIP WILL NOT WORK
vein exposure: please just dont do this.
TinyCircusMidget: dont even try
TinyCircusMidget: this is how it has to be for me
TinyCircusMidget: i am finally putting myself first
TinyCircusMidget: and this is what i have to do
vein exposure: can we please just talk
vein exposure: please?
TinyCircusMidget: abotu what?
vein exposure: i...
vein exposure: i cant loose you like this.
TinyCircusMidget: actually u can and have
vein exposure: my mistake.

Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: I don't care if i broke your heart. I don't care if you feel like shit. We are finished and that all I have to say.

vein exposure: ...
vein exposure: im going to say this and i know your not going to care but just go get it out of my system, its comming out. i made a fucking mistake and i will take all the blame for it but when i walked away i felt like shit becuase i knew you were mad. This has broke my heart and i want to go die. again i know you dont care but if i did it think of how much you would. rj i was with you all day and i was happy... i couldent have been happier and when i left you... i wanted to be with you. again. i was talking to robyn and i said i feel so bad and she said are you going out again i said yes... she said do you still like him and i looked at her and i said no, i dont .... i love him and i want to be with him. (this is not trying to put a gult trip on you by the way i want you to know this). i want you to know that your the first person i think about when i wake up and your the last thing i think about before i go to sleep... and all the time between. im telling you i made a mistake and right now im willing to do anything i can to make this all go away but right now i cant. im sorry i fell in love with you but when i started talking to you at the begining... my head told me that i was going to end up hurting myself by doing this stupid shit and then my heart told me no, go with it becuase your going to have the best time with this kid if this is what you want. im pouring myself out onto you and i know that you could give a shit but thats just how i am, im finally changing myself by quiting smoking, its hard for me and it will take me a cupple days but thats it, im done.
im so sorry i hurt you . . . but i cant take this right now... i dont know if i want you to come over tomorrow. . . if you do let me know before...
TinyCircusMidget: i wont even have to walk into the house tomorrow, you can set eveything outside on the poarch

Auto response from vein exposure:

on the inside im dead though my heart is still bleeding...

vein exposure: Why cant we just talk.
TinyCircusMidget: what is there to talk about?
TinyCircusMidget: Ashley im sick and tired of being ripped up inside by you, in my head and heart
TinyCircusMidget: and you did it too me twice
vein exposure: please.
TinyCircusMidget: and guess what? if i do go out wiht you again it IS gonna happen i again
TinyCircusMidget: ok then talk
vein exposure: no it wont.
TinyCircusMidget: apologizing isnt gonna work
vein exposure: im hurting so bad right now i would change, because i dont want to go through this.
TinyCircusMidget: no see i dont want to change anyone
TinyCircusMidget: i thoguht i did
TinyCircusMidget: but now i see that it only makes people feel like shit
vein exposure: youve changed me.
vein exposure: for the better.
TinyCircusMidget: i mean i dont want to FORCE anyone naymore into changing themselves
TinyCircusMidget: if u wanna smoke then smoke
vein exposure: but i want to change.
TinyCircusMidget: then change for what YOU want
vein exposure: you dont get it ive tried and your the only person thats helping me out.
TinyCircusMidget: well i obvisouly cant help u enough because u said that u were gonna lite one up when u got home
vein exposure: yeah if i didnt have one then, and i havent sence.
TinyCircusMidget: so why would it have mattered when u had it? once u told me that i was pissed
TinyCircusMidget: i thoguht u would have been stonrg enoguh to make it through one night but i guess not
TinyCircusMidget: so i dont want u too change
TinyCircusMidget: it isnt goign to brring me back
vein exposure: look im not making excuses, im trying for myself and your the one whos in my head pushing me. i want to change.
TinyCircusMidget: i need to find someone that i DONt feel the need to change
TinyCircusMidget: and im sorry but your not that person
TinyCircusMidget: or at leats find someone who the things i want to change baout them i cna put up with if they dont change
TinyCircusMidget: im sorry thta i have to hurt you like this but im sick of being the nice guy who lets everythign go
vein exposure: theres nothing else i have to say, im going to go... do something that im going to regret more than this...

i fucked up so bad i cant even do anything to change this...
i wish i was dead.
i really do.
god damn me for falling in love.

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 05:26:23 GMT

In the morning i have a GYN appointment...
then rj is taking me to the zoo:)
- and we will probably go to my moms work for lunch.

saturday im hanging out with sarah and sarah. hah the odds of being in a car with two of them... saying one name and them both saying what.

sunday is the 4th... nothing

monday is my moms b-day... nothing cause shell be at work but hopefully me and steph are gonna throw her a supprise:)

tuesday im hanging out with michelle... i saw her tonight for the first time in about a year so we need to catch up on goodtimes:)

that is it.
so fuck off and live life...
becuase it isnt getting any better
espicaly when your used by stupid boys.
then find out the one that loves you the most is still right there.

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 19:56:41 GMT

i have recently taken pictures of my hair, it started to fade and so i redied it and took some photos with my moms new digi cam. so enjoy.

Oh by the way, livejournal sucks...

^^Me messing around with photoshops and such...

^^i love this one

^^and this one...

^^heh... heh...

^^whoops....

^^there i go again...

^^my kitty!

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 17:02:26 GMT

i heard "boys of summer" and it made me feel really good...

kindof like last summer good....

i should just let it go.

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 19:58:53 GMT

I havent been able to update at home much latley becuase my computer is fucked. im at robyns right now. we went bra shopping together. good times. hopefully were gonna hang out tonight too... after her dance thingy.
once i get home im going to be bored out of my mind, i can feel it and i dont wanna go home. heh, maybe i can chill at stephs. that would be fun. woot woot.
caio kids...

<3

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 17:08:14 GMT

"I wanted you to know i love the way you laugh.
I want to hold you high, and steel your pain away....
I keep your photograph and i know it serves me well.
I want to hold you high and steel your pain...

The worst is over now, and we can breath again.
I wanna hold you high and steel my pain away...
Theres so much left to learn and no one left to find...
I want to hold you high and steel my pain."

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 06:36:11 GMT

its been a long night for me, and unfortuinatly its 221 in the morning, im back to my old sleeping habbits.... and im sorry for all the updates but if you want to see some bullshit here it is.... its kindof long and i do say sorry for that but.... here it is...

TinyCircusMidget (11:39:03 PM): because we need to talk...
vein exposure (11:39:44 PM): about
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:54 PM): us
TinyCircusMidget (11:41:19 PM): ok?
vein exposure (11:41:28 PM): yeah.
vein exposure (11:42:29 PM): I have alot on my shoulders.
vein exposure (11:42:36 PM): that wants to come out.
TinyCircusMidget (11:42:41 PM): yeah me too
vein exposure (11:42:53 PM): but id have this terible feeling that you wouldent want to talk to me ever again.
vein exposure (11:43:07 PM): so untill i feel its time, its staying in.
TinyCircusMidget (11:43:24 PM): well the next time that we see eachother in person im letting it all out
vein exposure (11:43:36 PM): i dont know when that will be.
TinyCircusMidget (11:44:33 PM): ok well i just have a question... we never really got back together in the first place right?
TinyCircusMidget (11:44:46 PM): because i asked u that one time and u said u didnt want too...
vein exposure (11:45:21 PM): No, thats one thing you just assumed and never really asked and when jenna (i think thats her name) came up to me and said Ohhh Im So hAPPY! it pissed me off becuase you never really mentioned that to me....
TinyCircusMidget (11:45:42 PM): well what the fuck was i supposed to consider you?
TinyCircusMidget (11:46:05 PM): a good friend?
TinyCircusMidget (11:46:15 PM): i dont do that kind of shit that friends with benefits stuff
vein exposure (11:46:24 PM): i never said you had to.
TinyCircusMidget (11:46:40 PM): ok so we are just friends now then?
TinyCircusMidget (11:46:45 PM): because i would rather it be that way
vein exposure (11:46:53 PM): fine.
TinyCircusMidget (11:47:29 PM): and i cant possibly think of what would make me never talk to you again
vein exposure (11:48:07 PM): think about it and ill let you know later...
vein exposure (11:48:10 PM): *shrugs*
vein exposure (11:48:23 PM): im not trying to sound cynical in any way (by the way)
TinyCircusMidget (11:48:32 PM): i dont care if u tell me at all
TinyCircusMidget (11:48:40 PM): its not like im gonna chase after u to find out what it is
TinyCircusMidget (11:49:01 PM): theres only one thing i can think of and if u did that i would probably come close to hitting u
vein exposure (11:49:08 PM): and that would be?
TinyCircusMidget (11:49:15 PM): if you cheated on me
vein exposure (11:49:25 PM): nope.
TinyCircusMidget (11:49:52 PM): well if u care to know thtast he only thing that would make me never talk to u
vein exposure (11:49:59 PM): youd be supprised.
vein exposure (11:50:19 PM): seriously, your diffrent... then when i first met you...
TinyCircusMidget (11:50:39 PM): how so? because im not all relaxed and fun loving?
vein exposure (11:50:56 PM): and when you told me that the more i get to know you the less ill like you... i guess you were right becuase you .....
TinyCircusMidget (11:51:07 PM): i....? became and asshole?
TinyCircusMidget (11:51:16 PM): became clingy?
TinyCircusMidget (11:51:24 PM): became too touchy-feely?
vein exposure (11:51:25 PM): what did you expect something "serious" between us? Im 17 and its high school.
TinyCircusMidget (11:52:03 PM): well i would like to have had fun with you but everytime i wanted to do something before i even said anything about it you got all omg somethings wrong in my life
TinyCircusMidget (11:52:54 PM): and yes i am a very serious person
TinyCircusMidget (11:53:17 PM): but hell u didnt know that right? because we knew eachother for like 1 hour before we were going out
TinyCircusMidget (11:53:30 PM): i knew it was a bad idea to rush into it but u kinda pushed it ... (OK BREAK HERE FOR A MIN.... JOHN STRIKA ASKED US IN DETROIT IF WE WERE GOING OUT, AND HE SAID YES, SO THAT MAKES ME PUSHING IT???? WHAT A @##&)
vein exposure (11:53:34 PM): im sorry that i needed to talk to you... maybe the fact that i have problems like everyone else is OBLIVIOUS to you.... and those problems are SERIOUS to me... but... jesus christ i cant talk to you now? i have alot of problems and i will be the first to admit im a really fucked up person.
TinyCircusMidget (11:54:31 PM): yeah and im sorry to say it but im not really looking for a "really fucked up person" to have a realtionship with
TinyCircusMidget (11:54:50 PM): and your probably not looking for a serious guy like me
TinyCircusMidget (11:55:07 PM): so we were mis-matched from the start
vein exposure (11:55:11 PM): your not always serious and you cant say that you are becuase you were alot of fun.
TinyCircusMidget (11:55:31 PM): whoa whoa now... didnt u say something like vein exposure (8:53:03 PM): what did you expect something "serious" between us? Im 17 and its high school.
vein exposure (11:55:53 PM): My point....
vein exposure (11:56:00 PM): not everything between us WAS serious.
vein exposure (11:56:01 PM): was it?
TinyCircusMidget (11:56:06 PM): no noty everything
TinyCircusMidget (11:56:15 PM): certain aspects were
TinyCircusMidget (11:56:33 PM): but shit i never really felt like i could completly open up too you
vein exposure (11:56:40 PM): we HAD alot of fun. and those were the times that i will look back and say wow, he is a great friend... whatever...
vein exposure (11:56:59 PM): its becuase i dont think you trust me, you berly know me and your not the kind of person to open up to anyone, ive learned that.
TinyCircusMidget (11:57:05 PM): ok so when were the times that your gonna look back at and say holy shit that was stupid?
vein exposure (11:57:13 PM): right now.
vein exposure (11:57:19 PM): ....
TinyCircusMidget (11:57:22 PM): and when else?
vein exposure (11:57:49 PM): possibly when your saying this shit again that its all about being serious and bullshit like that...
TinyCircusMidget (11:57:57 PM): becuase i sure as hell can name a few times
vein exposure (11:57:59 PM): some of it was serious.
vein exposure (11:58:10 PM): What when i blew you off becuase my friend was late?
vein exposure (11:58:17 PM): im sorry, i make mistakes too.
vein exposure (11:58:25 PM): and i guess you just dont know me.
TinyCircusMidget (11:58:38 PM): ok so three times? thats shows me that your friends are obvisouly more important then i would have ever been to you
vein exposure (11:59:10 PM): i told you I SEE YOU MORE THEN THEM
vein exposure (11:59:15 PM): well i used to....
TinyCircusMidget (11:59:28 PM): ok but have u ever blown them off too see me?
vein exposure (12:00:08 AM): no, becuase there random spur of the moment people, they dont MAKE plans to see me because i live so far and if i dont get a chance to get over by them then i dont....
vein exposure (12:00:23 AM): they gave up on making plans with me when i went out with brandon...
TinyCircusMidget (12:01:01 AM): ok well if i do remember correctly... you were the one who asked if you could hang out...
TinyCircusMidget (12:01:07 AM): im not just talking about friday
vein exposure (12:01:17 AM): vein exposure (11:58:17 PM): im sorry, i make mistakes too.
TinyCircusMidget (12:01:20 AM): im talking about when i came over stephs house
vein exposure (12:01:24 AM): Stephs?
TinyCircusMidget (12:01:30 AM): the bon-fire
vein exposure (12:01:30 AM): what that night that i was upset?
vein exposure (12:01:32 AM): oh
TinyCircusMidget (12:01:47 AM): that pissed me off a hell of alot
TinyCircusMidget (12:01:57 AM): but i set it aside
TinyCircusMidget (12:02:21 AM): then i asked you to not do it again... and u did it friday... at least thats how i felt about it
vein exposure (12:04:18 AM): Friday was NOT my fault...
vein exposure (12:04:30 AM): yes i asked you to come...
vein exposure (12:04:34 AM): but what was i supposed to do...
vein exposure (12:04:41 AM): tell you to go over there when i wasnt there..
TinyCircusMidget (12:04:44 AM): ok u told me you would call me in an hour, afdter i called u after the game
TinyCircusMidget (12:04:55 AM): almost 2 hours later i called u and u didnt answer
TinyCircusMidget (12:05:05 AM): then i called u after that and you said you were on the way to her house
TinyCircusMidget (12:05:27 AM): and i offered to go and pick u up from robyns house
vein exposure (12:05:38 AM): it took so long becuase this kid lived all the way out in fucking BFE at 26 and mound.
TinyCircusMidget (12:06:15 AM): so you didnt go to the mall?
vein exposure (12:06:21 AM): Yes we did..
TinyCircusMidget (12:06:25 AM): that was after?
vein exposure (12:06:27 AM): to meet up with this kid...
vein exposure (12:06:32 AM): then he needed a ride home.
vein exposure (12:06:40 AM): so robyn just volentered.
TinyCircusMidget (12:07:02 AM): im sitll confused as too why u didnt jsut have me come and get you...
vein exposure (12:07:07 AM): I didnt want her driving alone with one break ok? im not like that.... thats the reason i said no im going with her, i didnt think it was going to take 3 hours.
TinyCircusMidget (12:07:11 AM): when i called u the first time...
TinyCircusMidget (12:07:23 AM): ok
TinyCircusMidget (12:07:34 AM): well wasnt there someone else with her?
vein exposure (12:07:45 AM): not on the way there...
vein exposure (12:07:58 AM): and i had mandy with me i wasnt going to leave her.
TinyCircusMidget (12:08:39 AM): ok so shes more important then me? thats fine
TinyCircusMidget (12:08:57 AM): im not saying that in a pissed off way
TinyCircusMidget (12:09:29 AM): so ur friends are more important then me?
vein exposure (12:09:35 AM): What the fuck She asked me to go with her for the reason that her brakes were fucked up, its not like im gonna blow her off to see you if we were both going to the same place, i didnt think it was going to take 3 fucking hours... when do you give me a fucking break and stop asking all these god damn questions.
TinyCircusMidget (12:09:39 AM): or i should say they were more important then i was...
vein exposure (12:09:52 AM): Dont even start...
TinyCircusMidget (12:10:00 AM): ok
vein exposure (12:10:17 AM): Honestly...
TinyCircusMidget (12:10:23 AM): but u could have at least called me
TinyCircusMidget (12:10:33 AM): if you would have called i would not be as pissed
vein exposure (12:10:37 AM): after you told me that i couldent bitch to you anymore.... ..... or... tell you my problems....
TinyCircusMidget (12:10:45 AM): whoa whoa whoa
vein exposure (12:10:49 AM): yes they were more important becuase i know they wouldent bail on me.
TinyCircusMidget (12:10:49 AM): when did i say that?
vein exposure (12:10:53 AM): a while ago.
TinyCircusMidget (12:11:00 AM): i never said that
vein exposure (12:11:01 AM): you told me that my whole life is a problem
vein exposure (12:11:05 AM): and you were sick of hearing it.
vein exposure (12:11:08 AM): so i stopped.
TinyCircusMidget (12:11:25 AM): ok for one second listen to me ok? seriously...
vein exposure (12:11:44 AM): *listening*
TinyCircusMidget (12:12:35 AM): if i did say that then i dont remember, and i didnt mean it. i never want you to be afraid to tlak to me abotu anything, its just when thats one of the only things we talk about it is a problem. it would be nice sometimes to not only talk abotu that kind of stuff. but i never want you to be afraid to tlak to me, even now i still consider you my friend and hopefully u consider me a friend
TinyCircusMidget (12:13:37 AM): so if i ever said that i take back my words
vein exposure (12:14:33 AM): Im looking for the convo...
TinyCircusMidget (12:14:57 AM): i swear i never came out and said "dont ever tell me your problems again!"
TinyCircusMidget (12:15:24 AM): i know i said something like "i have problems too and i feel like i cant talk to you about them because we are always talking about yours"
TinyCircusMidget (12:15:30 AM): something along those lines
vein exposure (12:16:33 AM): Thursday 6/3 - TinyCircusMidget (8:21:17 PM): its just, i dunno, i feel like you have all these problems and thats all you kinda ever talk about with me, which is ok, but i didnt really feel like i was getting anything out of those convos except more reasons to show you pity and sympathy...

TinyCircusMidget (12:17:12 AM): ok was that the night we had that fight?
vein exposure (12:17:30 AM): no...
TinyCircusMidget (12:17:36 AM): allright
TinyCircusMidget (12:17:49 AM): but i didnt say that you couldnt talk to me about ur problems
TinyCircusMidget (12:18:15 AM): so is that cleared up? or....?
vein exposure (12:18:26 AM): Ahhh, classic.... right here.... TinyCircusMidget (8:27:48 PM): im just saying that it would be nice to y'know hear some good news like more then once a month
vein exposure (12:18:29 AM): that was it..
vein exposure (12:18:45 AM): TinyCircusMidget (8:29:44 PM): it would be nice to tlak to you everyone once and awhile and not have to hear about a problem, or a reference to a problem
vein exposure (12:19:02 AM): Look, im not trying to sound like a bitch, nor an ass hole... but i have problems, yes, and i needed to vent...
TinyCircusMidget (12:19:18 AM): ok good thing ur not trying to soud like one because you sure do
vein exposure (12:19:23 AM): after that... i didnt tell you anything major that was going on, i bitched alot but i never got into greater detail.
TinyCircusMidget (12:19:29 AM): ok
TinyCircusMidget (12:19:33 AM): well im letting u know now
TinyCircusMidget (12:19:37 AM): that u can bith to me
vein exposure (12:19:38 AM): wow, your one to talk.
TinyCircusMidget (12:19:48 AM): just dont make it the only thing u come to me for
vein exposure (12:19:58 AM): Ya know what fuck this... im not doing this....
TinyCircusMidget (12:20:17 AM): ok
TinyCircusMidget (12:20:29 AM): well im not pissed so i guess im fine with it
WHEN ROBYN STARTED INTO HIM: TinyCircusMidget (12:24:14 AM): having ur firends fight ur battles now?
TinyCircusMidget (12:24:17 AM): its not gonna get too me
vein exposure (12:25:44 AM): go fuck yourself side ways... maybe my friends CARE enough when stupid boys manage to put me in tears....
TinyCircusMidget (12:26:07 AM): ok well i put u in tears over what
TinyCircusMidget (12:26:08 AM): ?
TinyCircusMidget (12:26:40 AM): over buying u everything, over not pressuring u into doing stuff u didnt want to do, into picking u up and gdriving u too practice... right?
vein exposure (12:26:52 AM): no...
TinyCircusMidget (12:27:09 AM): then please dont have ur friends say i treat u like shit
vein exposure (12:27:23 AM): i didnt say anything like that to her.
TinyCircusMidget (12:27:31 AM): she said that too me
TinyCircusMidget (12:27:39 AM): she said you have no right to treat ashley like this!
TinyCircusMidget (12:27:59 AM): you are welcome

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from vein exposure (12:27:59 AM):
vein exposure: Look, im not trying to sound like a bitch, nor an ass hole... but i have problems, yes, and i needed to vent...

TinyCircusMidget: ok good thing ur not trying to soud like one because you sure do...

Thats the kind of shit that puts me into tears... thank you very much....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TinyCircusMidget (12:28:25 AM): and i was trying to do this to the point where we could be firends
TinyCircusMidget (12:28:29 AM): because i want u as a friend
TinyCircusMidget (12:28:38 AM): but u obvisouly dont even want to talk to me anymore
vein exposure (12:29:24 AM): im not going to be friends with someone who talks to me like my parents do.... its not going to happen, so tomorrow when you have a better fucking attitude and want to talk to me like im a person and not an object..... then talk to me but right now, please just do me a favor... dont talk to me...

I was so fucking upset after all of this....
*sigh....*

Why cant i just have someone to ... be with but not be with... like an attachment... i would like that... to be free but to know that someone of the opposite sex cares for you in that way that you love to be held and what-not...
here i go again....

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 03:00:54 GMT

Im so fucking confused on whats going on...

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 22:20:47 GMT

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	to die for
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	hypnotising
Your love is...	unique

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 15:28:42 GMT

im tweeking my brain for awnsers to what to do, what to say, and how to react.
i lifted my feet as we went over the railroad tracks wishing i could make a right decision.

i know deep in my heart, im going to fuck up someone or leave someone broken.
thats just how i think.

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 19:20:53 GMT

hahaha

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 18:00:34 GMT

Yesterday was alot of fun, I woke up and had to go to the GYN again, that was not fun. 42 ounces of water later i had to fucking piss. But not in the cup... haha. So i went back to bed and got up around 230. Robyn called me and asked me if i wanted to go to the mall with her.... so i got ready and she came aroune 5-6 then we went to get mandy. We went back to her house and uhhh had a BLT... mmmmm.
Went to Great Lakes. . . GOT THERE AT 802!! Hahha. Went inside to look for Robyn's friend Tim. WE THOUGHT we found him then robyn just tipped off some random guys hat, then walked out of the store BRIGHT red... it was so funny. We found him outside smoking. And I was introduced as Ashley, and my girlfriend Mandy... it was so funny just to fuck with these guys. We went back to Tims house to straiten some shit out... then drove around till we found Stephanies house... (Fireworks were scary.)
(And i wish i had a million dollars. becuase i would buy.....A fridge.)
Got to Stephs after a LONG car ride, which we seemed to be going SO FAST. LIke SupER Speed!
But not really....
Got there, and uhh something interesting happend, but i liked it. *hides in hoodie* :)
Went swimming... Sat kinda by the fire for like a second... got dressed then we took Colin and Tim home. And uhh....
Yeah.
Went to The arab station... And gave our change to some guy standing on the corner.... asking for change.... "Im being way to curtious to these niggers" - Robyn
Then got some uhh... Mcdo... foo... Smokes! but i mentioned that already.... yeah. Went back to stephs and started to watch Jackass.... Then Robyn and I had discussed on the way home that she sould pierce my ears, so she did... now i have 8 piercings... hahhaha
Like i need anymore. My rigt ear woked out well but i like let out this sexual noise, and i didnt even know i did it, because i loved the pain so much, my left one was a bitch... she got it through easier but putting the stud in, hahah couldent find the back of the whole and when it went through it popped. I thought it was funny but she freaked and ran out of the room. But we were both highly turned on from the whole expierance. It was grand.
Robyn and Ryan left, and me and Mandy stayed the night at Stephs. It was funny becuase we got to a point in the night where we werent tired... i got like 20 minuets of sleep then i was up to play road rash. We went out to clean the backyard of any trash or anything left over,
NOTE TO STEPHANIE : THE POKERS ARE IN YOUR CLOSET!!!!!
Hahha, all i have to say about that...
WHEN ANTS GET PISSED!!!

Oman. Good shit. Went back to sleep. slept till 1230... and Mandy's dad drove us home and i had to listen to the whole issue about "cell phones and driving" well he dosnt like it becuase he saw an accident with a woman talking on her phone and he T-boned a cop... it was funny hearing him elxplain it... Oh and for the ride i owe him $5... which im never going to have.

<3

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 17:19:26 GMT

Ive been having the oddest fucking dreams ever... id say for the past 3 nights... sence i came home from up north...

Randomly making out with X's of mine...
Living in hotels with friends...
Moving out...

I mean i can not remember all of them, but thats becuase there were so many. Its been what has woken me up every morning. [ or afternoon ] Just makes me think, wow, ive fucked up alot in the past year. heh heh heh.

This past weekend was so much fun. Steph and me went up north to visit the fam. We get there and i saw hailey and i think i just about wet myself... untill i asked her where we were sleeping and she replied "WERE RUFFIN IT!!!" then pointed to a tent. heh. Stood out on the side of the road while having a smoke, i laughed so hard.... over nothing... well hailey and steph were there so it was expected. My uncle fixed the lights on the quad, so we went 4 wheeling at 2 in the morning...
We get into our tent after an hour of making it up and whatnot... all cozy and curled up in our 234098209 blankets... and my cousin brandy jumps up... and says "Did you hear that???" as it starts to get louder... Hailey looked out of the tent and thought it was like some small furry animal and shes like "OH MY GOD ITS HUGE!! ITS A DEER!!" and then something started hitting the top of the tent like mad crazy and were all screaming. So im like wait... brandy has her phone, lets just call into the house... we did and they werent saying anything... hailey screamed out the window "SOMEONE BETTER GET THE FUCK OUT HERE BEFORE I KILL WHATEVER IS ATTACKING THE TENT!!" Then our cousin Jenny starts laughing sooo hard she was out there doing something with a broom.... CLASSIC! So needless to say we werent sleeping after that.... so we were up till 4 or so. just chillin.

Saturday we all got ready and had to go to the service... Alot of people cried and then my mom told everyone that i should have sung something... i just about bitch slapped her.... this was all after the attack of the killer mosquitos... they were like the size of hummingbirds... We all went to The Painted Lady, which is my aunts bar, that she wants to sell to me and hailey. Played pool and ate the best chicken of my life... sat at the bar and laughed with Uncle Brad... Then grandma got really upset so i had to drive her home... me and steph went on the quad for like an hour... tilll everyone else started showing up.... so then me and hailey went, oh my god i dont think ive ever laughed so hard in my life... We were making our own paths through the trees.... and it was bumpy like no bodys buisness.... so like were flooring, dodging trees and just about flyin off.... THEN!
Oh my god the best thing all weekend... Jennys boyfriend... MOBY! uhh... shit i forgot his name... Ok well he looked like moby so .... thats gonna be it. He took me and hailey out on the back trails way far away... in a jeep. We so went jeeping... it was like the shit... we were wanting to get dirty becuase well thats what we wanted... so me and hailey in the back of this jeep whiping mud all over eachother was classic. did that for a cupple hours then came back to the bon fire. made some good smores... and listend to uncle brad talk about his storys and what not...
THen... when it got real dark....
We...
went JEEPING AGAIN!!
hahha, ok like 1 in the morning.... here we go.... me and steph and brandie.... out in the middle of nowheres-ville... on this Jeep... oh my god it was so scary becuase it was so dark but SO MUCH FUN! So me and Greg [ Moby ] planned out this plan.... heh heh heh ... go to blair whitch... [ a spot that we found with crooked trees and open spots that reminded us of blair whitch ]
My cousin Jenny was so drunk we get her in the back of the Jeep with Hailey and Brandie shes singing "THERES A SKEETER ON MY PEETER.... FLICK IT OFF!!" [ leave it up to my family ] So we go back out to the middle of nowhere... and go through our little adventure through the woods and over the hills to blair which we go...
She almost shit her pants she was so scared... Get out of there and there was this long trail back to the main road... so me and greg had this plan... we were gonna cut the power to the jeep and sit in the dark for a few minuets to freak them out... well we did it properly... and yes it scared them but it backfired on us... He blew the fuses to his headlights... so going through the woods with blinkers as lights.. so we get out to the main road and he stopped to see if he could fix it and he cut the power and we looked up... there were millions upon millions of starts.... just a beautiful sight... I couldent even belive it... Then we drove back, be holding a flashlight for a headlight out of the jeep. We sat around the camp fire till 4 and crashed in the tent... Sunday did a little 4-wheeling... and sat around most of the day... i finnally took a shower ( WHICH WAS BEAUTIFUL ) and we left around 300... Which made me upset becuase my mom told my grandma im not alowed up there anymore becuase she lets me smoke. Eh... whatever...

Monday i slept till 4 in the afternoon then hung out with Rj...
Tuesday i had practice from 430-830 then hung out with Rj...
Wensday slept till 1030 then cleaned... and went to the Riot in Progress concert at Emerald in Mt. Clemens.
I was going to spend the night but my mom got mad so i had to go home at like 130 in the morning.
Today i have a sectional at 5 then practice at 6-830 and hopefull to hang out with Rj.

Im sore, im tired, im kindof bitchy...

_SLUT

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 19:14:55 GMT

this is stephanies amazing talent of the week, month, whatever....

Just fucking amazing isnt it?
I love you kid!