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[16 Jul 2004|11:14am] |
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its amazing how you only find the time to drop a line when its upsetting to the mind instead of being in complete and whole happiness the world leavs you at the drop of a dime.
"I couldent sleep lastnight, i kept on rollin around in my bed and my face was indulged in the scent of your hoodie"
He is perfect.
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[14 Jul 2004|05:25pm] |
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yesterday was the best day of my life. well the best day this year anyway;) its all amazing and sephanie [ she dosnt get a "t" in her name.... :) ] loves how giddy i am.
god damn i hit my elbo on brick so hard... more like hitting/scraping/taking off skin motion... leave it up to me to be the clutz.
rj's penis is getting to far up his ass and i really could care less. look at this shit yo.
TinyCircusMidget (11:20:00 PM): well anyway im all colled down now not pissed but still a little hurt... and i wanna talk about some stuff if u would give me the chance?
TinyCircusMidget (11:22:34 PM): anyway just tell this Brian kid if he ever breaks ur heart ill break his neck
TinyCircusMidget (11:29:19 PM): and i am soo thankful for you posting our personal business in you lj i mean i want everyone in the world to know im fucked up right now, thanks for thta u bitch
vein exposure (11:38:52 PM): hah, you should see my other journal ass hole... and for your information im not a bitch, at least my friends dont think i am, i was trying to be nice but if your just gonna be an ass go stick your penis in the toaster and have fun frying.... yeah, well i hope that was bitchy enough for you.
:-) CAIO !!!
vein exposure (11:39:09 PM): Brian: dude, you know shes not a bitch
vein exposure (11:39:20 PM): now apoligize and get your dikc out of the toaster
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:20 PM): yeah ok i dont care
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:27 PM): and we are never going to be friends
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:46 PM): ever so i guess u lost me again not that u cared the first time anyway
TinyCircusMidget (11:39:54 PM): have fun being on the block list bitch
vein exposure (11:39:56 PM): EXCUSE ME????
TinyCircusMidget signed off at 11:39:57 PM.
To say the least i was pissed... just becuase he had the balls to call me a bitch... im only a bitch when i admit it. yes i can be a bitch but like i told him, this is my journal and i will write about whoever the fuck i want.
anyway....
"so, your cute when your mad...."
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[13 Jul 2004|07:55pm] |
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For those of you who havent added Pierced_eyes.... on your livejournal.... i thought y'all might like to see this boy. and he is ALLLL... [ Make it sound long ] ... mine:)
im the giddy one i know, but you definatly have to look at this one:)
*little school girl giggle*
( Read more... )
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[10 Jul 2004|01:07pm] |
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check out my new shit...
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[08 Jul 2004|07:45am] |
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please excuse the inturption:
i was just puking my brains out.
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[06 Jul 2004|11:21pm] |
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TinyCircusMidget: trust me ashley i would give the world to let myself take you back but im sick of hurting u everytime i do it...
vein exposure: well truthfully i know this might sound odd, but i think i have more faith in you not to hurt me as much as you did... and i would take the chance of being hurt again
vein exposure: but thats just how i am.
TinyCircusMidget: well i know u would take the chance but im not ogign to do it again because i know i will its not that i might its that i WILL
TinyCircusMidget: dont knoew if that makes nay sense to you but
vein exposure: i still would... but thats me.
vein exposure: well... it does.
vein exposure: and it dosnt.
TinyCircusMidget: you have to know how i am though, i would never in my life try to hurt someone on purpose emotionally, i would never try to kill someone inside becuase its happened to me before and i know what its like, but sometimes when i get pissed or messed up in my head i do it and i feel like shit after it for a long time
vein exposure: *sigh
vein exposure: i never learn lol
TinyCircusMidget: it wasnt ur fault
vein exposure: well you may say that, and if thats how you think it, i feel like im giving everything i have to save nothing... and thats what tears me up becuase you didnt just get mad over nothing..
TinyCircusMidget: this is exactually what i didnt want to do so if we cant move onto somethign else we shoudl probably not talk for a little while...
vein exposure: ok no...
vein exposure: heh, sorry cant do that..
vein exposure: im fine right now.
TinyCircusMidget: ?
vein exposure: probably not talk for a little while...
TinyCircusMidget: allright because now i feel like shit again
vein exposure: im ok being able to at least talk to you.
vein exposure: dont.
TinyCircusMidget: hard not too
vein exposure: why?
vein exposure: its your decision.
TinyCircusMidget: well if u were me, re-read what u wrote, and try not to feel like shit
vein exposure: ill deal with it.
vein exposure: im sorry alot of the shit i say i say becuase i want everything to be ok so i should just shut up...
Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: Me away..
vein exposure: im sorry i make you feel like shit....
Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: Don't worry about R.J... He'll be ok, he always is. I love when my friends ignore my screams for help.... just leave me alone, you had your chance to try and make me feel better, and this IS NOT a cry for symapthy no matter how much it sounds like it
vein exposure: nothing i say makes anything better, im just gonna leave you alone... talk to me if you wish... i didnt want to make you feel like shit i just want you to know that im not dealing with this any easier than you are.
TinyCircusMidget signed off at 11:19:37 PM.
God im so sick of being made out to be the bad one here, im just so fucking sick of this shit, i know i should just let it go but i want there to be one last chance as much as i was hurting before.... i will NEVER learn...
*Jumps off bridge*
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[05 Jul 2004|11:23pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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Offspring // why dont you get a job |
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Well, this weekend has been hell and back...
Friday : Went to rj's all day and we hung out. Then we went to the fireworks in mt. clemens. [ mistake #1 ] we met up with steph, ryan, brendan, robyn, and beth. [ this is making me sick all over again ]. . . anyway. i had gone all day without a smoke so i was going though my withdrawls and i started to get bitchy and teary eyed. so he was like well, go have one i rather you smoke then be all upset over it. so i did. [ mistake #2 ] he was mad at me the rest of the night and would berly touch me. so i got mad naturally and didnt really wanna be around him. it was all over then we were standing on the street and robyn wanted to go to dennys... so i was like are you ok to let me go with them tonight? hes like yeah go... [ mistake #3 ] i said i love you and he said it back [ lie #1 for him - negitive 20 points on his side ] i felt like shit the rest of the night and when i got home i knew he was going to be pissed. i got on and talked to him [ the convo you all saw earlier ] and obviously from what you saw it upset me. the last thing i said - "im going to go do something that im going to regret more than this" well, he called me 3 times after that. he said to me i didnt call to get a guilt trip put on me i called to make sure you wouldent do anything stupid. well im hysterical and crying, whatever. and hes like are you going to do anything stupid? i said ya know you should know me better than that... hes like fine as long as your not and i dont get blamed for anything then this conversation is over, oh and expect me to come over around 1 to pick up my shit. he hung up and i almost died. i was crying so hard i got to a point where i was crying so hard i passed out [ literally ].
Saturday : I got up at 500 [ 3 hours of sleep ] and layed there knowing that he was comming over. 1 came, he called and said i wont be there till 130 and hung up. by this point i wasnt upset anymore i woke up in a pissed off mood becuase i got no sleep and becuase he said all the shit that he said to me. i was thinking about it and im like ya know, i have friends he should get that and not keep me from them or whatever. i spent all day with him and i dont see why he got so upset that i wanted to see my friends for an hour. hes got a girl infront of him that is completly in love with him and hes passing that up when he told me he loved me? heh, i was pissed. so he came over and walked in said can i have my shit. i said can we talk? i walked in my room got his hoodies and handed them to him. i quicky walked to the opposite side of the room becuase i was so mad i was just gonna hit him as hard as i could. he said what is there to talk about? i said well theres alot to talk about and i explained everything. hes like yeah well this is just the way its going to have to be now, i dont want to see you, talk to you, or anything. and he left. i was sooooooo pissed. i eventually got over it untill later on that night when don went off on me about something... i think the phone went dead and he told me i was usless becuase everything i touch i break. or something. i had been in a [ you push me and im going to fall over and cry ] mood. well i did. i told him to fuck off and i walked in my room, layed down, and cried my eyes out becuase i missed rj so much. my arm got attacked by a saftey pin and i wasnt even feeling it [ its healing now ]. my mom came in and said what the hells wrong with you? i said im upset ok cant you understand that. shes like well your boyfriend is pissed at you and he should be becuase hes right and your the wrong one. went off on her for a little bit. and i said can i just go to stephanies tonight? she told me to clean my room, so in tears i cleaned my room just to get out of the house. i drove to stephs and i was starting to feel better already knowing that i was going to at least spend the night with her. we sat up untill 5 in the morning doing god knows what i dont fucking remember... oh, 3-4 hours of mtv. bam and wild boys. i laughed so hard [ good - get my mind off things ] we finally got to sleep, i dont even remember passing out... but stephanie wanted to lick a peach.
Sunday : Woke up at 11, ate cerial, and painted. im curently working on spyro for her little brother i knew once he saw it he would want it so i just told him when i was done with it he can have it... i think all i have left to do is the wings and the background. people started showing up for her moms party [ and we watched this haunted night club thing for the 79th time ] and she started making margaritas and sangrea slurpee things. hah, well i had a few of those and i was quite off to myself in la la land. i called my mom and told her i was going to stay the night again becuase well, i wanted to. it was the 4th, why not? Steph called and wated to know if we wanted to go to erikas. i was all cool with that after 2 hours of trying to make a decision. we get there, realize we dont have our suits, go back to stephs, have more margaritas and whatnot... then back to erikas to swim. at first i was the only fucking one who would get in becuase steph, steph, ryan, kevin, and kam are being pussys... so im like freezing my tits off all by myself... so steph gets in 1/2 way then erika ruins all the fun she runs outside and plunges in the pool like she could care less... after that was all over i was chillin talkin to steph and kam, then ben walks in and says 3, theres 3, so watch out... we were all confused and he said, oh including me... so then kevin gerds and jeremy walk in. it was all clear then. kevin sees me and gives me a hug and kisses me on the neck, im like whoa wait a minuet.... so i blew it off. me and steph just decide to go under and i screamed it was so cold. i was hoping that erikas friend ryan was going to come becuase hes like a teddy bear cute kid. well he did come and me and steph got into a dispute becuase she likes him too... long story short i was pissed but im not going to fight over a guy with one of my friends, i would just expect her to have more respect if i liked someone that she wouldent make out with him in a trailor. [ fuck im bleeding ] just like i wouldent do something like that to her, but no she was ruthless. this is all after i almost killed 8 people with a firework. hahah, it was funny. erika got tired and shes like ok everyone out of my house... so we left and went back to stephs. her mom was still outside partying and whatnot [ with dennis - everyone got so trashed they left and left there dishes there . . . ] it was me, steph, steph, ryan, kevin, jeremy, and ryan. ryan was talkin to me outside most of the time becuase i was getting more margaritas and boozin myself up. i dont remember i had like 2 1/2 and i mean i was gone. everyone left becuase it was 230. and i was still upset about the steph thing. but i really dont care, i mean i do, but i dont at the same time, hes 20 and smokes... she dosnt like smokers and according to erika he dosnt like prude girls... so i dont know. whatever. me and steph cleaned up [ well she did i was looking for asprin and didnt end up taking it becuase i didnt wanna like kill myself ] then i was like steph, i gotta go to bed... im so gone, i need sleep. so at 3 i grabbed a pillow and a blanket, crawled on the coutch and dont even remember passing out... i do remember trying to find the tv remote to turn it down, then i went up to the tv looking for the button for volume... i found it about 5 min. later and i passed out.
Monday : Woke up today with a hangover [ i know im a lightweight ] and took some asprin. watcher her mom clean the kitchen and she was getting all flustered. so me and steph went over to hoeys to let out chip and we played fooseball. haha, dude the table was uneven and my little red corner man broke in 1/2. i was so upset i wanted to throw his body. haha. went back and jumpped online. i was goin though my journal and rj im'ed me and said go check your email and then signed off... well i got this...
SUBJECT : Please just read it...
Ashley I just have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I was acting
like a child before like you said, and I'm sorry. I just, I guess i was
looking for a reason to break it off because I'm sorry to say it, but I wasn't
really that happy when we were dating. Even though it may not seem like
it I do miss you, and I wish i could make myself take you back, but I just
can't. I hope that we can still be friends, even though I have treated you
like shit the past couple of days. I just don't know if I can talk to you on
AIM or in person yet because I am still kinda in a weird mood. If you don't
reply to this I'll understand, but I just needed to say this to you.
Your idiot ex-boyfriend,
R.J.
This was my reply...
SUBJECT : RE: Please just read it...
rj,
hey... well, i dont know how to respond to this. i would like to try to pretend im still mad... but i was never mad. i was so upset that i intentionally hurt myself. which i have never done. honestly it got alot out of me to get over the pain that i was in. i didnt know that you were so unhappy with me. i wish you would have just told me before i got so attached. i really do. but when you said you loved me its not like i wasnt going to belive it becuase i did. i trusted you and it felt like you put me through hell becuase i loved you. i hope we can be friends... i really do. i dont mean to make you feel like shit i just wish you wouldhave told me earlier before... *sigh* i was really hurt.
i dont mind if you dont talk to me, its fine. i came over to stephs for the past few days to get my mind off of you becuase being at home was doing no good with my mom telling me it was my fault and making me feel worse than i already did. maybe for now writing will be fine for you. anyway, im going home soon so ... later.
-Ashley
Then when i got home [ after almost getting killed by stephanies awsome driving skills of running into the van!! ] he im'ed me and started talking to me, like nothing happend and said that we needed to talk. he opologized for everything and said that he said all this shit to me becuase he wanted to hurt me intentionally and make me upset but he didnt realize how much it did hurt me and that he was an asshole and he felt like shit. well naturally i said, yeah you were and it really fucking hurt me. he said i would like to take you back now and hold you in my arms and make everything better, when i said that i wasnt happy it wasnt all the time it was just the times that i hurt you. im not going to go out with anyone ever again becuase i dont want to hurt them like i hurt you. natually im in tears because i want back what i had. but i know its not going to happen. so i cant talk to him for a while becuase we both need to get over the fact that we do love eachother but he cant stop hurting me. or anyone in that fact. its like his nature or something. my mom got home at 830 trashed so we never did do anything becuase it was too late [ its her birthday ] they all passed out and im sitting here alone.
Good news though: My parents are going out of town on the 17th for a week, so im gonna be in blissfield. not the town just a frame of mind.
Im done.
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[03 Jul 2004|09:34pm] |
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trying to get my arm to stop bleeding,
trying to stop crying...
im trying to forget,
but it hurts so bad.
i have never been in so much pain before in my life.
there is no god getting me though this.
there is no us.
all that i have is this bandana wrapped around my bleeding arm.
God i hate myself.
i fucked up so bad... nothing is going to change.
i hurt so bad.
my heart.
i just want to die.
this is so bad.
oh my god.
i cant breath.
im not even lying, im histerical...
i have never been in so much pain.
oh my god.
someone help me.
"you and your boyfriend had a falling out, thats not my problem."
well at least you could help me out here...
"no, hes right your wrong"
god damn i hate you, his parents hate me you hate me, he mideswell be your kid and not me...
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[03 Jul 2004|01:32pm] |
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7/2/04 - If you don't trust what someone is doing, keep a close watch but don't confront the situation just yet. Consider what you must do in order to secure your position.
7/3/04 - Not everything will be clear today. Hold off on any plans or decisions until you have a better grasp of the situation. Someone is obviously not telling you everything you need to know.
7/4/04 - Your emotions may lead you in the wrong direction today. You will overreact to comments made. Don't end up in a fruitless argument. Take time out to reflect.
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[03 Jul 2004|12:38pm] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
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music |
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Dropkick murphys |
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im making some changes... for myself.
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[03 Jul 2004|12:05am] |
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vein exposure: come back please....
Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: Me away..
TinyCircusMidget: what?
vein exposure: i really need to talk...
vein exposure: i know your mad, and i am so so so sorry... i can not even explain in words how low i feel right now.
TinyCircusMidget: ok tyhis time its not goona work ashley, im pissed off a hell of a lot. you say u love me and then when u said "did i want to go to dennys?" i could tell that u were ready to leave that instant and go without me
TinyCircusMidget: tomorrow i want to come over your house, pick up BOTH of my hoodies, my t-shirt, and my shorts and leave without syaing a word
TinyCircusMidget: is that goign to be possible?
vein exposure: please dont do this...
TinyCircusMidget: im sorry but i now realize that your not goign to change, you will ALWAYS put your friends before me, no matter what
vein exposure: its not that...
vein exposure: i dont always
TinyCircusMidget: too me it seems like you do and thats enoguh for me
vein exposure: look i got you back, and that was the best thing that couldhave happend to me and im trying to change myself for you.
TinyCircusMidget: Ashley your not ogign to change, it doens't matter what u tell me or how hard you try. Hell i asked you like 3 days ago to not do that shit with putting ur firends always before me ,and look what happen tonight
vein exposure: look, im sorry
vein exposure: i didnt do it just to piss you off.
vein exposure: i dont even know what to say...
TinyCircusMidget: yeah wlel guess what happened? i got pissed
TinyCircusMidget: and im sick of feeling like this
TinyCircusMidget: it seems ur very good at doing this to me
TinyCircusMidget: and i dont need that anymore
vein exposure: im sorry it was my mistake, blame it on me make me feel like shit
TinyCircusMidget: THE GILT TRIP WILL NOT WORK
vein exposure: please just dont do this.
TinyCircusMidget: dont even try
TinyCircusMidget: this is how it has to be for me
TinyCircusMidget: i am finally putting myself first
TinyCircusMidget: and this is what i have to do
vein exposure: can we please just talk
vein exposure: please?
TinyCircusMidget: abotu what?
vein exposure: i...
vein exposure: i cant loose you like this.
TinyCircusMidget: actually u can and have
vein exposure: my mistake.
Auto response from TinyCircusMidget: I don't care if i broke your heart. I don't care if you feel like shit. We are finished and that all I have to say.
vein exposure: ...
vein exposure: im going to say this and i know your not going to care but just go get it out of my system, its comming out. i made a fucking mistake and i will take all the blame for it but when i walked away i felt like shit becuase i knew you were mad. This has broke my heart and i want to go die. again i know you dont care but if i did it think of how much you would. rj i was with you all day and i was happy... i couldent have been happier and when i left you... i wanted to be with you. again. i was talking to robyn and i said i feel so bad and she said are you going out again i said yes... she said do you still like him and i looked at her and i said no, i dont .... i love him and i want to be with him. (this is not trying to put a gult trip on you by the way i want you to know this). i want you to know that your the first person i think about when i wake up and your the last thing i think about before i go to sleep... and all the time between. im telling you i made a mistake and right now im willing to do anything i can to make this all go away but right now i cant. im sorry i fell in love with you but when i started talking to you at the begining... my head told me that i was going to end up hurting myself by doing this stupid shit and then my heart told me no, go with it becuase your going to have the best time with this kid if this is what you want. im pouring myself out onto you and i know that you could give a shit but thats just how i am, im finally changing myself by quiting smoking, its hard for me and it will take me a cupple days but thats it, im done.
im so sorry i hurt you . . . but i cant take this right now... i dont know if i want you to come over tomorrow. . . if you do let me know before...
TinyCircusMidget: i wont even have to walk into the house tomorrow, you can set eveything outside on the poarch
Auto response from vein exposure:
on the inside im dead though my heart is still bleeding...
vein exposure: Why cant we just talk.
TinyCircusMidget: what is there to talk about?
TinyCircusMidget: Ashley im sick and tired of being ripped up inside by you, in my head and heart
TinyCircusMidget: and you did it too me twice
vein exposure: please.
TinyCircusMidget: and guess what? if i do go out wiht you again it IS gonna happen i again
TinyCircusMidget: ok then talk
vein exposure: no it wont.
TinyCircusMidget: apologizing isnt gonna work
vein exposure: im hurting so bad right now i would change, because i dont want to go through this.
TinyCircusMidget: no see i dont want to change anyone
TinyCircusMidget: i thoguht i did
TinyCircusMidget: but now i see that it only makes people feel like shit
vein exposure: youve changed me.
vein exposure: for the better.
TinyCircusMidget: i mean i dont want to FORCE anyone naymore into changing themselves
TinyCircusMidget: if u wanna smoke then smoke
vein exposure: but i want to change.
TinyCircusMidget: then change for what YOU want
vein exposure: you dont get it ive tried and your the only person thats helping me out.
TinyCircusMidget: well i obvisouly cant help u enough because u said that u were gonna lite one up when u got home
vein exposure: yeah if i didnt have one then, and i havent sence.
TinyCircusMidget: so why would it have mattered when u had it? once u told me that i was pissed
TinyCircusMidget: i thoguht u would have been stonrg enoguh to make it through one night but i guess not
TinyCircusMidget: so i dont want u too change
TinyCircusMidget: it isnt goign to brring me back
vein exposure: look im not making excuses, im trying for myself and your the one whos in my head pushing me. i want to change.
TinyCircusMidget: i need to find someone that i DONt feel the need to change
TinyCircusMidget: and im sorry but your not that person
TinyCircusMidget: or at leats find someone who the things i want to change baout them i cna put up with if they dont change
TinyCircusMidget: im sorry thta i have to hurt you like this but im sick of being the nice guy who lets everythign go
vein exposure: theres nothing else i have to say, im going to go... do something that im going to regret more than this...
i fucked up so bad i cant even do anything to change this...
i wish i was dead.
i really do.
god damn me for falling in love.
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[02 Jul 2004|01:21am] |
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In the morning i have a GYN appointment...
then rj is taking me to the zoo:)
- and we will probably go to my moms work for lunch.
saturday im hanging out with sarah and sarah. hah the odds of being in a car with two of them... saying one name and them both saying what.
sunday is the 4th... nothing
monday is my moms b-day... nothing cause shell be at work but hopefully me and steph are gonna throw her a supprise:)
tuesday im hanging out with michelle... i saw her tonight for the first time in about a year so we need to catch up on goodtimes:)
that is it.
so fuck off and live life...
becuase it isnt getting any better
espicaly when your used by stupid boys.
then find out the one that loves you the most is still right there.
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[30 Jun 2004|03:54pm] |
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i have recently taken pictures of my hair, it started to fade and so i redied it and took some photos with my moms new digi cam. so enjoy.
Oh by the way, livejournal sucks...
( Read more... )
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[27 Jun 2004|12:55pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Robyn:) |
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i heard "boys of summer" and it made me feel really good...
kindof like last summer good....
i should just let it go.
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[25 Jun 2004|03:50pm] |
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I havent been able to update at home much latley becuase my computer is fucked. im at robyns right now. we went bra shopping together. good times. hopefully were gonna hang out tonight too... after her dance thingy.
once i get home im going to be bored out of my mind, i can feel it and i dont wanna go home. heh, maybe i can chill at stephs. that would be fun. woot woot.
caio kids...
<3
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[23 Jun 2004|01:04pm] |
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"I wanted you to know i love the way you laugh.
I want to hold you high, and steel your pain away....
I keep your photograph and i know it serves me well.
I want to hold you high and steel your pain...
The worst is over now, and we can breath again.
I wanna hold you high and steel my pain away...
Theres so much left to learn and no one left to find...
I want to hold you high and steel my pain."
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[21 Jun 2004|02:21am] |
its been a long night for me, and unfortuinatly its 221 in the morning, im back to my old sleeping habbits.... and im sorry for all the updates but if you want to see some bullshit here it is.... its kindof long and i do say sorry for that but.... here it is...
( Read more... )
*sigh....*
Why cant i just have someone to ... be with but not be with... like an attachment... i would like that... to be free but to know that someone of the opposite sex cares for you in that way that you love to be held and what-not...
here i go again....
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[20 Jun 2004|10:57pm] |
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Im so fucking confused on whats going on...
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[20 Jun 2004|06:18pm] |
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mood |
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flirty |
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music |
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Stephanie... |
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addict_requiem's journal